The universe always has a way of looking out for those of us in need.
“It’s such a boring start to the year,” a friend sighed, spiritless with the humdrum news cycle. “Nothing’s happening. I wish there was, like, a big juicy scandal.”
Ask and you shall receive. Just when we thought nothing could be harder to watch than Samuel Johnson’s days-long PR blitz where he repeatedly slapped down Molly Meldrum’s ass (okay … undesirable choice of words), we were gifted grainy iPhone footage of Michael Clarke and his girlfriend having a blue in a random park, complete with a cameo from everyone’s favourite party boy Karl Stefanovic.
It’s one of the most star-studded couple fights to be captured on film — right up there with the Jay-Z/Solange/Beyonce scrap that went down in an elevator after the 2014 Met Gala. Both are equally glamorous.
Don’t pretend you haven’t seen the footage. That video can now be talked about like an episode of Friends – everyone in the world knows who Ross and Rachel are and their will-they-won’t-they-get-together storyline.
Michael was filmed by a stranger getting torn apart by his girlfriend Jade Yarbrough who accused him of cheating on her with his ex, activewear designer Pip Edwards.
And that’s putting it mildly.
“You f**ked her (Edwards) on December 17! You f**ked her … you’re a f**king dog!” Jade screamed in the footage.
Then she slapped Michael and he lumbered shirtless through the park with a limp. (He should’ve actually tried doing a Ross and screaming, “We were on a break!”).
Jade is the sister of Jasmine Yarbrough, who married Today host Karl Stefanovic in a headline-making Mexico wedding just months after he left his wife of 21 years Cassandra Thorburn. The couples were holidaying together in Noosa when the fracas broke out.
So many names! So much drama!
It’s not at all surprising to find Karl at the centre of a scandal. But the thing is, this time, he has been unfortunately dragged into the clash — and his involvement can be blamed on 12 little words.
Everyone has been talking about the four little words that will come back to haunt Michael (“On my daughter’s life,” he declared in the footage when denying Jade’s cheating allegations), but not enough is being said about these other 12 words.
While watching the blurry video, none of us would’ve even noticed Karl was there until he was exposed by Michael.
“Karlos, I can tell you now c**t, don’t you f**king look away,” the cricketer spat at his famous mate, who, until he was identified, just looked like a random dad in shorts and sneakers.
Suddenly, Karl was co-headlining this PR nightmare. There was no way out of it. If someone drunkenly screams “Karlos ya c**t” during a park brawl, you know without a shadow of a doubt the statement’s being directed at Stefanovic. So, just like that, the incident is known as The Michael Clarke And Karl Stefanovic Park Brawl.
If anything, Karl was simply an innocent bystander getting yelled at by a crazy shirtless bogan. For all we know, he just wanted a relaxing getaway at his Noosa holiday house before it all got ruined when his missus invited her sister and the new boyfriend. Really, who hasn’t been embarrassed to varying degrees by their partner’s weird family? All Aussies can relate.
Multiple versions of the footage have been going around the internet but you’ve gotta make sure you watch the extended cut. It’s like Lord Of The Rings — there’s the edited version for average theatre goers, and then a longer edition, with extra scenes and moments that can only be truly appreciated by us diehard fans. Maybe one day Karl will release a special edition with DVD commentary.
There should be back-to-back screenings of the footage this weekend down at Event cinemas in Bondi Junction. It’s something that needs to be experienced in V-Max, with stadium seating and Dolby Atmos sound.
Imagine the phrase, “Karlos, I can tell you now c**t, don’t you f**king look away,” booming around you in a theatre. Chills. It’d be like hearing Clark Gable mutter, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn,” in the 1939 classic Gone With the Wind.
The Pup who appears in the footage is not the Pup we know. He has a wild coyote-like presence. Under attack. Trying to claw his way out of whatever danger he’d crawled into.
That’s the beauty of grainy iPhone footage. All scandals are made more scandalous when there’s rough-and-ready video involved. Married At First Sight should be filmed exclusively in blurry iPhone footage.
The best scandals also come with their own catchphrases. And, in this particular incident, while there’s a colourful selection of quotes to choose from, it’s Pip Edwards who has provided the stoush’s official slogan.
“Not my circus,” she said in a statement the day after the video dropped.
“’Not my circus’ is totally becoming my 2023 mantra,” the girl behind the deli counter at Woolworths said that afternoon. I was purchasing 200 grams of shaved champagne ham and the topic just popped up naturally.
The catchphrase is right up there with “cash me outside”.
Pip should capitalise on the hype by incorporating the quote into her upcoming Autumn range of tracksuits with a line of sassy “not my circus” slogan tees.
In the meantime, while the drama continues to grip the nation’s attention, spare a thought for the forgotten victim in all of it: Noosa.
Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir