Men, I’m so perplexed by you. You’ve really got me scratching my head this week.
It all started when I posted a ‘sex education’ hot tip on my Instagram advising blokes not to tear open condom packets with their teeth (no matter how sexy you may think it looks) because this can sometimes create a tear in the condom – which lord forbid you don’t want!
Over the next couple of hours, I was a barraged by comments and DMs from blokes outraged at the idea of wearing a condom. It astounded me. I got comments like, “Bareback for life” and, “Won’t be tearing a condom if I’m not wearing one.”
First of all, OK mate well now I’m (perhaps unfairly) assuming you’re riddled with STIs or have a few unplanned kids running around the place. Which, may I add, does not make for an appealing match.
So why in the world do you have a problem with condoms? Seriously I want to know. Like, let me state a cold hard fact … once we women get pregnant it’s ultimately up to us whether you become a dad – whether you like it or not. So why, for the love of god, do you STILL prefer to not wear condoms?
That’s eighteen years of child support. Eighteen years of forced contact with your one-night-stand. All because you didn’t want to put a teeny tiny bit of thin rubber on your pecker. It just makes no sense.
And sure, you can rant on about how it “doesn’t feel as good” or “it’s such a hassle”, but do you know what a real hassle is – heading to the doctors to find out why your groin is so itchy.
Oh, the amount of times I’ve found myself in a half-naked debate with a bloke who refuses to put one on. “I’m allergic” he will moan, before I roll my eyes and find myself losing a little bit of respect and a whole lot of my libido.
I’ve literally had a guy break up with me over it. We butted heads for a couple of weeks because he refused to wear one and I refused to sleep with him until he did. He finally sent me a text message telling me that he was offended that I think he needs one and the ‘pull out method’ has been successful for him so far.
My response would have made Oprah proud. It went something along the lines of: “I adore you, but I adore me more.” And by ‘me’ I mean my health and my current lifestyle.
I don’t want to find myself anxiously peeing on a pregnancy stick anytime my period is a little late because we’ve been giving the pull out method a red hot crack. And to be offended by the idea of safe sex is just ridiculous.
A friend of mine found out her husband was cheating after he gave her herpes. I mean on the upside, at least she found out, but now for the rest of her life she’ll be paying the price for him being reckless in the sack.
So let’s be honest, the benefits of wearing a condom far outweigh the benefits of not.
In August last year, the World Health Organisation reported that more than one million sexually transmitted infections (STIs) are acquired every day worldwide. Every. Darn. Day. And remember a couple of months ago when our news headlines were filled with warnings about a drug-resistant gonorrhoea. Does that not petrify you? It sure petrifies me.
Condoms can’t offer a 100 per cent guarantee of not catching STIs, but they sure offer you a much better chance of not getting them.
I would go so far as saying they are basically stopping you from getting cock blocked. Nobody’s bumping-uglies with you if you’re too busy scratching your downstairs department. And let’s be honest, I bet it doesn’t look pretty.
So blokes, for the love of god, would you start carrying a couple of condoms in your wallet. You’re not just doing a favour for us. Oh no. It’s a whopping big favour for yourself. And your health. And your bank account. And your sanity.
Can I suggest a new 2023 mantra: If it’s not on, it’s not on.
Jana Hocking is a columnist and collector of kind-of-boyfriends | @jana_hocking