Married At First Sight’s horny mum sends her husband over the edge on Wednesday night when her insatiable thirst for sex leads to an expletive-laden tirade about men not being human dildos.
Then, a sex ultimatum is issued. Because aren’t all healthy relationships built on sex ultimatums?
There’s also an alleged affair that’s exposed tonight but who cares when there’s a horny mum on the loose. There’s only one story when it comes to MAFS 2023: the horny mum. The Nine Network should steal the rights to The Bachelorette off Channel 10 so the horny mum can be the suitress and have entire 90-minute episodes to spout half-baked sexual innuendos.
JAMES WEIR RECAPS:Read all the recaps here
It’s clear from the very second this episode begins that there’s an emergency going on. How do we know this? Because the voiceover lady doesn’t even have time to do a “previously on OnlyFreaks” highlight reel. We just dive right into the episode with an ominous exterior shot of Trash Tower in the middle of the night.
“Holy sh*t,” we hear Jesse say. “Big f**kin’ drama. I just lost my sh*t.”
Then we cut to diary cam footage of Jesse inside Trash Tower.
“I literally was at a point where I could not control my anger,” he fumes. “I’m not happy. Like, why the f**k would you do that?”
Ugh. Producers are trying to hook us in with a vague and mysterious incident before jumping back to the very beginning in the hope that we’ll hang around to find out what actually happened, like a Liane Moriarty book. This program should be renamed Big Massive Lies.
“A bunch of us decided to go out to a pub to have some drinks,” Jesse explains, as grainy iPhone footage plays showing everyone getting sloppy at a random bar in The Rocks.
What followed? Claire apparently grabbed Adam’s chest and then the two disappeared and, when Jesse came home, Claire’s loud voice was yammering away on a loudspeaker phone call. That’s when Jesse heard it — a sound that will haunt him for eternity.
“I heard this big bellowing laugh — a typical Adam-like laugh,” he holds back tears.
Out of impulse, he went to shush his wife — and then it truly hit him: she was on the phone to another husband.
For dramatic effect, producers score this whole Jesse interview with really clashy music and splice it with rough footage of him trying to confront Adam in the hallways of Trash Tower.
The harsh downlighting makes him look crazy. Well, crazier.
Coincidentally, it’s Confession Week and the experts just so happen to issue a timely challenge: go through your partner’s phone.
Yay!
But, just as we’re about to scroll through Adam’s call log to see if these Claire allegations are true, he convinces his wife Janelle that it’s probably more meaningful if they don’t go through each other’s phones. Ha! As if Janelle won’t see through his bullsh-
“I trust you. Let’s not do it,” she nods firmly, agreeing to not partake in the challenge.
Ugh. Thanks for ruining our cheating scandal.
Meanwhile, horny mum Melissa and her meek husband Josh are tasked with the letter writing challenge.
“I’m revealing something today that is going to be really raw,” Josh takes in a deep breath before reading a deeply personal account of his marriage breakdown and how it plunged him into despair.
“There was a significant crisis of identity,” he says through sobs. “It’s hard. Life is hard.”
It’s raw — and the kind of revelation that has the ability to push a new relationship to the next level. Melissa probably has a bunch of thoughtful questions to ask her new husband.
“Um. Alright. So … I’m just gonna dive straight in,” she picks up her own letter and begins reading, as if Josh hasn’t been weeping for the past 12 minutes.
Sure, Josh is visibly upset. But time is ticking and Melissa needs to hijack this task to share more sex confessions.
“My first marriage was a loveless and sexless marriage – so I left,” she reads. “My biggest fear in going into a new relationship is getting stuck in a loveless-sexless-no-intimacy marriage. I’m very sexual.”
Yeah, Melissa, we’ve gleaned that.
Josh is so perturbed by his wife’s lack of awareness and compassion that he finally gives in and says something bitchy.
“Mel seems to think that that’s a defining personality trait — talking about her sexuality,” he rolls his eyes to us.
But Mel isn’t done talking about sex.
“Intimacy is phenomenal with you. You tick all my boxes,” she tells her husband.
Ew. What Josh does to your boxes is between you two and no one else.
The producers then make them watch videos from their wedding day. Melissa smiles at the footage of Josh gushing to the camera crew about his bride. And Josh cringes at the endless video clips of his wife providing in-depth commentary about … well … Thor’s d**k.
Producers will not stop until Josh is pushed over the edge by Melissa and her insatiable horniness. The next challenge involves both of them deciding on what their priorities will be over the next five years. For Josh, it’s all about career, kids, health and ageing parents.
Mel? As if we even need to ask. “Healthy sex life,” she declares. “I need that because that’s huge to me.”
Josh has had enough. “It’s not what you put on a five year plan,” he raises his eyebrows.
Mel gets defensive about having to justify her horniness.
“I’m sorry … if you can’t keep up, there’s the door,” she says, waving a sassy finger in the air. “Maybe you don’t wanna have as much sex as me. And if you’re worried about going into a marriage with me, thinking that you can’t keep up with my active sex life, you let me know.”
Did she just give him a … sex ultimatum?
This whole interaction has agitated Josh into talking above his usual whisper. In fact, there’s almost a growl to his voice. It just makes Melissa hornier.
“I’m not having an ultimatum put to me to have sex in order to further the relationship,” he rouses.
Mmmmm yes daddy. You put your foot down — put it down hard. Slam it down like Thor’s big hammer.
By now, he’s furious. And just when we think he can’t get angrier, he spews out an expletive-laden rant about how he’s not a human dildo.
“Y’know what? I’m f**kin’ absolutely outta-my-mind angry,” he fumes. “I am a man — I am not a f**kin’ disposable sex toy. I didn’t come here to just meet someone to just f**k them all the time. She did not come here to meet someone — she came here to just f**k all the time. It f**ks me off royally that she keeps driving this narrative that I’m a super conservative guy.”
But there’s one last thing that pushes him completely over the edge. It’s something small but so delicious.
“What do I do for a job?” he glares at his wife.
For the first time on this show, Mel is lost for words. Her eyes widen and her jaw drops as she stares blankly around the room, waiting for the answer to come.
“I don’t know,” she admits.
As Josh staggers backward in disbelief, Melissa rushes to defend herself.
“I’m just trying to work out ways so that your cup’s full and my cup’s full,” she says. “Tonight, my cup feels a bit hurt and a bit empty.”
Well, Melissa. We hear you loud and clear. But, there’s no way in hell Josh will be filling up your cup tonight. Also, if your cup’s hurt, maybe see a doctor.
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