A shocking account of “quite awful” sex ends with Married At First Sight’s horny mum being booted from the show during Sunday night’s commitment ceremony while her sobbing husband is forced to declare, once and for all, that, despite all the Disney pyjamas, he’s not a 40-year-old virgin.
The promo ads for tonight have been promising yet another dramatic bedroom blow-up and things really do climax – just … not in the way Melissa has been dreaming of.
While we’re also forced to endure the other couples talking about their own relationships, we don’t pay attention. We’re only here for Josh and Melissa’s sex drama. It’s the pènis de résistance of the entire episode.
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All the drama from Wednesday’s dinner party, where Harrison was busted for getting a random girl’s number at a bar, is nothing but a blip tonight. Sure, we rehash it, but we don’t know why. Nothing comes of it. It seems producers have taken a leaf out of Harrison’s book and are determined to gaslight us into thinking it’s an interesting storyline.
“Look, I’m a very secure woman,” Bronte repeats her perplexing reason for standing by her husband. “I know that women are gonna hit on him. It’s human nature. He’s a good-looking guy.”
The camera keeps cutting to Claire, who has made it her mission to deliver ten-out-of-ten reactionary facial expressions tonight.
The experts can’t believe what they’re hearing. Alessandra steps in to clarify Bronte’s point but mainly to deliver a sly sledge about Harrison.
“So … what you’re saying is, because he’s — to SOME people — good looking, it’s not his fault?” she squints.
It has taken three seasons but Alessandra is really coming into her own. She’s fed up and ready to serve us promo-worthy take-downs.
Harrison decides it’s time to whip out his classic move: talking about his wife as if she’s a criminal who he patiently welcomes back with open arms. We don’t even get infuriated by it anymore – now, it’s just cute that he thinks we can’t see exactly what he’s doing.
“I feel like I’m seeing for the first time, in a long time, the girl I met at the wedding,” he pats Bronte’s hand. “That girl came back this week.”
They both choose to stay. Oi, Claire? You got a reactionary cutaway shot for us?
Next up, we’re reheating Shannon’s buffet of bad behaviour. We hear the chef’s specials: how he called Caitlin unattractive before revealing he slept with his ex, who he reckons he’s still in love with.
“Does it matter?” Shannon spits when the experts question why on earth he’d say these things to his wife.
“I said them just to hurt her.”
Oh. OK then.
“Anyway, I’d like to stay,” he reveals his decision card.
Claire, girl – you got a sassy facial expression we can cut to?
The experts make him beg Caitlin for forgiveness. He recites dialogue from every bad indie movie involving a cheating redneck husband.
“Just, come back to the house and give me one more chance,” he slurs. “I’m gonna be better this week.”
We cover our faces and squirm. “Shannon! Stahp! You’re embarrassing us!”
John Aiken demands Shannon detail all the ways he’s going to be a better husband.
“I’ll… buy her flowers,” he shrugs.
Shannon, she can buy herself flowers! And write her own name in the sand! Jeez, it’s like you haven’t even streamed the new Miley Cyrus. Red flag!
Last week, Caitlin impressed us with her empowering monologue about self-worth. And tonight, she delivers a remixed, but just as powerful, radio edit version.
“You don’t deserve me,” she says before listing all the ways she rules and Shannon drools. “So I will be leaving.”
Bravo, Caitlin. You should do arena speaking tours, like Michelle Obama. And Shannon should … hang out at intersections, tapping on windscreens while holding a bottle of Pump water and a squeegee?
OK, now’s time for the pènis de résistance. The moment she hits the couch, Melissa complains yet again about not being matched with Thor.
“I feel like I’m the alpha in the relationship,” she sighs. “I just feel like, in this relationship, I’m definitely the more dominant.”
After three weeks of sex ambushes and disparaging comments, enough is enough. Josh is annoyed. If Mel wants Thor, welp, she’s about to get him.
“You’re saying that I’m some kind of shrew or 40-year-old virgin! Which I am not, in any way shape or form,” he interrupts with a growl, before toning it down, lest the aggression arouse the horny mum.
“We were intimate on Friday and Saturday. I cannot sit here and take this because it is untrue. And I wanna now speak MY truth and talk about something that I actually think is at the heart of the issue. There is a significant issue in this relationship about control.”
He goes and dobs on her to the experts — rattling off a laundry list of bad behaviour that has been going on behind the scenes. The biggest problem? She’s been hiding the iPad when all he wants to do is watch Toy Story.
“In this relationship, Melissa has attempted to restrict my access to the TV,” he states. “She’s attempted to restrict my access to the mobile phone. She’s tried to place limitations on the times I can read my books. She’s tried to tell me when I can go out, where I can go out, who I talk to, when I talk to them.”
Oh my goodness. We had no idea it was this bad. He should’ve retaliated by hiding all her sexy lingerie and replacing it with boyleg briefs from Kmart.
“She has used degrading and dehumanising language to me – questioning my manhood. So, when we talk about getting at the core of the issue, that is the core of the issue right there.”
We cut to Claire on the sidelines for more reactionary facial expressions.
Then Josh really drives his point home.
“And, can I say, if I was a woman saying these things, the crowd would feel very differently about these things,” he points a finger.
The crowd goes wild. Meanwhile, Melissa looks like she has just been on the receiving end of one of her own unwanted sex ambushes.
“Ummm …” her voice goes high. “When did I question ya manhood?
Melissa, hon, don’t make us dig through the archives and consult the minutes for a date and time.
“You said repeatedly, ‘I need a man! I came here to meet a man!’” he reminds her.
John Aiken raises an eyebrow. “So, is Josh not man enough for you?”
Mel sighs, as if there’s a very reasonable explanation.
“I just feel like he’s not a big … like … man,” she says. “I don’t feel protected by Josh. And I feel like I’m protecting him. And I feel no protection or love or support. I’m used to a man. I want a manly man.”
Even Harrison and Bronte are aware of how wrong this is.
“Oh god, she needs to stop talking,” Bronte covers her face and shudders.
Mel can feel the room turning on her. She decides there’s only one thing left to do: flip the tables, Harrison-style.
“I’ve gotta say, that intimacy night, during intimacy week, it was just sex,” she widens her eyes dramatically. “It was just a transaction. It wasn’t how I imagined to have an amazing sex life with someone. It was just physical. And that was … quite awful. We were really drunk. And it was just really awkward. It wasn’t nice.”
John Aiken squints. “Mel, what possessed you to tell us that right now? What might you hope from saying that? It felt like a low-blow. particularly the timing of it.”
Mel Schilling wants a piece of the action.
“You’re diminishing him as a person,” she reprimands the horny mum.
This wave of support is too much for Josh to handle and he starts to sob.
“I feel like I’m pretty broken,” he weeps.
No! Josh! Please don’t cry! Quick, someone get an iPad and stream Toy Story for him!
So … Josh … we’re guessing you don’t wanna stay? He raises his card to reveal what we already know: he wants to get the hell outta here.
But what about the horny mum? She lifts her card. The word LEAVE is crossed out and scrawled in its place is the word STAY.
The producers totally caught wind of her initial decision and then talked her into changing it. This means, despite Josh’s attempts to escape, he’s being trapped in the relationship for another week. He looks ecstatic at the opportunity to rebuild his marriage.
John Aiken steps in. Out of all the terrible behaviour he has allowed on this show, this is where he draws the line.
“I’m gonna do something I’ve never done before,” he says. “I have never seen a relationship like this before in the experiment. We’re not going to subject you any longer to this.”
The experts let Josh break the rules and walk free. And what about Melissa? She’s given a consolation prize pack containing all the used sex toys from Alessandra’s intimacy workshop.
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