A popular ‘van life’ influencer has hit back at critics after revealing in a viral video that she left behind the “love of my life” to move to another continent because she needed to “find myself again”.
Abigail Martin, 21, has nearly 900,000 followers on TikTok and a website where she has documented her life on the road for the past two years.
She and her boyfriend Dante had been travelling in a van around Europe since late last year, but in February, Martin revealed that she had decided to move back to the US after just four months — leaving Dante behind.
“I’m changing my life … again,” she captioned the video.
“So I did it, I did the dang thing,” she said as she explained why she decided to move back — abandoning her plan to stay in Europe for at least two years.
“Let’s start from the beginning though. Around two years ago I started living nomadically in vans. I built out my first van in my parents’ driveway. Took me about five months to convert and I left my little small hometown with nothing but a dream of discovering myself and learning more about the world.
“About six months after I got on the road I met my dog Archie and I met my now boyfriend Dante and we quickly became a little family of three. Dante and I obviously hit it off and we started living together in my van shortly after starting dating.
“This guy is my ride or die, I love him so much. However I started to have feelings creep in that I wasn’t myself anymore. I kind of lost myself in this relationship. I invested a lot of me into him, and I don’t regret that, but I also think that I want to value myself a little bit more moving forward.
“Unfortunately it took me moving to Europe and abandoning everything I had in the US to realise that I need to rekindle my independence a little bit and get back to myself. So in about 24 hours I will be on a flight back to the US to build out my third van by myself with my dog Archie.
“I’m nervous, I’m excited, but I feel so right about this decision. Let’s see how it goes.”
In a “disclaimer” posted in the video caption, Martin insisted she and Dante were “still together with no plan for a break-up in the future, and we’re both very excited about this decision”.
“I’m so so lucky to have him supporting me through this, and I think having this alone time is going to strengthen our relationship even more,” she wrote. “I’m so excited to get back to myself, to grow more, and to build my dream van.”
In a follow-up video responding to comments expressing sympathy for the “poor guy”, Martin told critics to “get over yourself”.
“I think a lot of people think I made the decision to move back to the States and away from my boyfriend, who’s currently living in our van in Europe right now, because our relationship wasn’t going well,” she said.
“Let me tell you, it was literally the exact opposite of that. Dante and I have lived in a van together for a year-and-a-half now, and I see our relationship going very far into the future … and because of that I wanted to nurture and preserve our relationship and our independence in the best way possible.
“Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with Dante, he is the love of my life, but it is so hard when you live in a van together to appreciate that person at the same lengths that you would if you were getting that alone time.
“A lot of people are also saying, ‘Oh my God, you just left him in Europe, you’re a terrible person.’ I wish he could have come back with me, but logistically it just made more sense for him to stay in Europe and for me to buy a van in the States.
“Also a lot of people are like, ‘Oh my God, poor Dante, she just got up and left him, that’s so sad, this is why I have trust issues.’ Oh my God, get over yourself. If you think that by me gaining independence it’s a threat to Dante, or if you’re in a relationship and your partner wants independence and you feel threatened by that, you need to do a lot more inner work, because oh boy.
“When Dante and I had this conversation he was immediately on board with it, there was no questions asked. Of course it was a very hard decision to make, we were both in tears, but it was the right decision and we both looked at it from a point of like, long-term success, rather than just what we felt in the moment.
“Because in the moment of course I was like, I don’t want to leave I want to stay here with you, you’re the one I love, but long term I was like, I need to find myself again.”
Martin’s initial video went viral on Twitter this week after being reposted by podcast host Josh Lekach. “What’s she running away from? Some people could have it all and not realise it … ever,” he wrote.
One user replied, “The worst part is you know she didn’t come to this conclusion by herself. This is a liberal meme that is floating around that if you get the urge to get married and have kids you should break up instead.”
Another said, “Did she just say that she is moving because she was in a happy relationship and just felt like she was giving herself to the guy? That is literally what a good relationship is supposed to be, half of me is with my wife and I have her half.”
A third wrote, “She’s running from any and all commitments. She overvalues her independence in hope of finding herself … problem is you don’t discover 100 per cent yourself … you find about 70 per cent and build the remaining 30 per cent.”
But some defended her decision.
“For a group of people who spend so much time thinking about women it’s interesting how little some people here understand them. And here’s the secret — we are so much less different from men that you think we are,” one woman wrote.
Another agreed, “I understand with being lost in a relationship especially when you have life goals. If men get drafted for a pro team or get a job offer abroad, you wouldn’t judge him if he decided to end a relationship to go for it. Not everybody wants to get married and have children and settle.”
frank.chung@news.com.au