Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column to solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.
This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie answers a tired reader’s question with some of her own.
QUESTION: My husband’s two-hour long sex sessions are too long for me. We have a loving relationship and a healthy sex life, but sex takes too long. He is very sensual and enjoys lovemaking sessions of two hours. After 30 minutes, I’ve had enough, so I’ve started to dread it. We never have a quickie and he doesn’t see the point. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but what should I do?
ANSWER: I have so many questions about this. I have a feeling that I’m not getting the full picture of what’s going on here.
While Sting boasts that he can have sex for nine hours, most of us don’t have the luxury of spending that much time in bed, and many people, I realise, simply don’t want to. But based on what you’ve shared, I’m also wondering if the sex you’re having just isn’t very good.
How long does sex usually last?
The influence of pornography often gives us (especially men) the idea the sex should be some kind of marathon – with multiple orgasms and continuous moans of pleasure.
While men can feel pressure to ‘last longer’ during sex, great sex isn’t about longevity.
In heterosexual sex, penis-vaginal penetration lasts on average 5-7 minutes. Long periods of penetration can sometimes feel uncomfortable for women.
Women need at least 20 minutes of foreplay
Unfortunately, some couples drastically diminish their pleasure by trying to ‘get sex out of the way’ and rushing to the ‘main event’.
Women’s bodies need at least 20 minutes of foreplay in order to fully prepare for sex.
Many couples (to be honest, mostly women) report that they skip through foreplay to get sex over and done with because they’re tired or are only ‘doing it’ to pleasure their partner.
Less than 20 minutes – or no time at all in foreplay – means that women are more likely to experience pain during sex and are less likely to experience orgasm. For both partners pleasure is diminished.
Bad sex diminishes desire
I’m also wondering whether you’re not actually enjoying what your husband is doing?
I can understand if you’re feeling tired or are worried about getting to sleep on time and that’s part of you wanting sex to be shorter. I can also understand that long sex just isn’t everyone’s thing. But hearing you say you’ve had enough after 30 minutes, makes me think you’re not really enjoying what’s happening.
Often women tell me they enjoy sex, but when we dig a little deeper, we find that it’s actually just mediocre – it isn’t great sex for them. Often though, women aren’t even sure what would make sex better for them.
The fact that sex is often just okay, can contribute to a loss of sexual desire.
If I were seeing you as a couple in therapy, there are a lot of questions I would be asking you as part of assessment, in a session where your husband wasn’t present.
- Do you orgasm when you have sex?
- Do you orgasm through penetration sex or in other ways?
- What do you enjoy during sex?
- How comfortable do you feel asking for what you want during sex?
Open communication is vital to great sex
While it might be hard for your partner to hear, it’s important that you find effective ways of sharing how you feel about sex right now, or it’s going to impact your relationship for years to come.
Learning to talk about sex openly and honestly is one of the most important things we can do to ensure we have great sex.
You have to discover what you really want
Having great sex isn’t just about technique or timing, it’s requires feeling safe with each other, being connected, having trust and being able to explore together. Sometimes it also requires a little education on how our bodies work and what’s even possible.
Great sex is a skill that we learn. None of us are born just knowing what to do.
Most of us weren’t taught skills for great sex – or for healthy relationships. Don’t feel like you have to figure all of this out on your own. Do research online or contact a Sexologist for support – that’s what we’re here for.
Being able to connect, explore and communicate sexually will allow you both to discover what you really enjoy sexually and maintain sexual satisfaction.
Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.