It’s Friday night and I’m planning a heavenly solo night in.
I’ve got the heater pumped up nice and cosy, I’ve got my favourite candle lit, I’ve got my Netflix picked out and my Uber Eats delivery is sorted.
I should be getting into my soft, overworn PJs and popping on a face mask, but instead I’ve got a sexy little bra and panties set on and I’m applying perfume liberally.
Why? Because my man-of-the-moment is going on a boys night, and I have a plan.
Some might call it slightly twisted, others ridiculous, but I think most of you will call it savvy.
You see, he’s dropping his car off at my place first and heading out after he says a quick hello. What he doesn’t know is that quick hello is going to turn into a literal quickie.
I’m doing this for two reasons. One, because he is ridiculously sexy and just the sight of him makes me want to drop to my knees … and two, because I’m using a cheating prevention strategy.
I’ve stolen this “hack” from the man with no filter, Kyle Sandilands.
Last month he (rather crudely) revealed on his breakfast show, The Kyle and Jackie O Show, that a man leaving the house “balls empty” meant he wouldn’t even look at another woman.
He said: “Here’s a tip – sorry, fellas, I’m going to throw you under the bus, ladies, if your guy goes out a lot, like every Friday with the boys, and you think, ‘Oh, I’m not liking this’, make sure he goes out balls empty.
“Balls empty means he ain’t going to do anything, he’s not going to look at anyone.”
When his co-host Jackie O Henderson asked how long a man’s balls remain “empty”, Kyle said the effects usually last “all night” until he returns home to his girlfriend.
He backed it up with a warning: “If your man goes out full, then he is toey” (another word for horny).
Oh hell-to-the-no!
Now I’m sure a lot of you are thinking that I shouldn’t even be dating the bloke if I think he is going to cheat, but as someone who has been ‘technically’ single for a looooooong time, let me tell you I have seen some things in my time.
I’ve had friends’ boyfriends, who have passed themselves off as the nicest guys in the world, have a crack.
I’ve seen happily married men get that horny look in their eye after a few beers, and I’ve seen absolutely shameless women see a partnered-up bloke as a challenge rather than a hard pass.
Lordy, the amount of single women I know who are currently having flings with married men would shock you. Seriously, shock you.
So, we can all sit on our high horses thinking ‘Oh, my man would never cheat’, but girlfriend, yes he would.
So is it crazy to try this sexy little hack before your man heads out for a night of chest thumping, and beer skolling? Nope.
I asked a male friend, who just like Kyle, tells it straight. He laughed and said, “100 per cent that method works. Pamela Anderson could offer herself up on a plate, but if I’ve just emptied my ball sack, she doesn’t stand a chance. All I want is a back scratch and some sleep”.
OK, first of all, eww, but also a little side of “huh, well there you go”.
Now, aside from not cheating, this hack has an added bonus. It bonds you. Your man leaves for his boys night with a big ol’ smile on his face, and you with that lovely post-sex glow. I’ve discovered it also keeps you on his mind for the rest of the night.
He will usually text me halfway through the night saying something slightly boozy and sweet like “I loved that ‘insert specific move here’ you did before I left tonight”.
It keeps the relationship exciting, a little bit saucy and most importantly it keeps the sex life thriving.
Plus, we both get to experience a big O before he enjoys the freedom of his boys night without me blowing up his phone with texts asking when he is coming home. Go forth good sir and enjoy your million Jägermeister shots.
So sure, you might call this hack slightly toxic, but trust a gal who has seen some things during her single years.
No man is blind, and not every single girl is an angel.
At the end of the day we are all primal beings. Add alcohol to the mix and you could be dating your very own character from Fboy Island.
So whip out those sexy knickers girls. It’s worth it.
Jana Hocking is a columnist and collector of kind-of-boyfriends | @jana_hocking