Rachel was sorting through belongings in her Melbourne home when she came across an old photo.
Encased in a dusty frame, was a picture of her best friend of 20 years, Daniel, taken years earlier. Young and happy, he’s wearing a baseball cap as he kneels and smiles at the camera.
That night, on July 16, 2021, Rachel took a photo of the image and texted it to Daniel.
“Doing some spring cleaning and found one of my special treasures,” she wrote.
But she never heard back.
The next morning, Daniel, who was staying over at a friend’s house, had died after taking his own life.
Rachel found out the news later that morning when Daniel’s brother called.
“I thought something must have happened for Daniel’s brother to ring me,” the 46-year-old told news.com.au
“He didn’t need to clearly say what happened. I kind of inherently knew and I just burst into tears.
“I thought he would say he had been hurt, I didn’t expect that he would have left us.”
Amid the shock, Rachel tried to make sense of what happened and asked “if there was any clear reasons why”.
But Daniel’s brother didn’t have any answers.
“It’ll be something we won’t ever be able to answer,” she explained.
Rachel had met Daniel – a “gentle and genuine soul” – back when they were in their early twenties and quickly bonded over their love of music, often listening to American rock band Counting Crows.
The pair remained friends for the next two decades, with Daniel later standing by Rachel on her wedding day as her ‘man of honour’ in 2002.
“He really did care a lot about people and definitely if you were in trouble or needed help, he would be there,” Rachel recalled.
However, as he was growing up Daniel, like one in five Australians every year, suffered mental health issues.
“He battled his own demons,” Rachel said. “He often experienced depression periods ever since I’ve met him.”
The 42-year-old had confided in Rachel before he died.
“The biggest thing I remember from a couple of the conversations was how he felt like if he would go (died),” she said. “(He said) people would be sad, but then they’d move on with their lives.
“I don’t know how I could convince him that that’s not the case.”
Despite his struggles and previous suicide attempts, Rachel said “there was no signs” that Daniel would have taken his life when he did.
Earlier that week, he had sent Rachel a “really positive” text message sharing he couldn’t wait to tell her about “everything that was happening in his life”.
Rachel replied saying she “couldn’t wait to talk about it” all with him.
But exactly what news Daniel wanted to share is another unanswered question that will always remain – much like the grief.
“When Daniel passed I felt such a sense of loss … and I was feeling quite empty, and not really knowing what to do,” she said.
“I don’t know that the grief ever leaves you. I think that you just kind of have to go around it.”
As someone who also struggles with depression, as well as anxiety, Rachel found it a particularly challenging time and felt “a bit stuck”.
Not long after Daniel’s death, she came across Black Dog Institute’s One Foot Forward challenge, a free virtual walking event that raises funds for mental health research, which helped her deal with her loss.
“My immediate thought was, ‘I can do this’. And it let me really channel that feeling of loss and emptiness and not knowing what to do with my grief into something that could potentially help someone who’s been in Daniel’s shoes.”
After taking part in the challenge last year, Rachel plans to walk 200km during October, and has reached out to Victorian MPs to encourage them to get behind the initiative.
So far, Liberal Democratic Party member, David Limbrick, and Labor’s Minister for Planning and Outdoor Recreation, Sonya Kilkenny, have agreed to join Rachel on one of her walks.
“David was really happy to support people who were just getting out there and doing things to make a difference,” she said.
Rachel said having access to mental health services beyond traditional forms of support, such as the Black Dog Institute, would have helped her best friend.
“I think for Daniel, accessing support when it was critical, was not always working out. So having Black Dog or any of those other organisations that have referral services may have made a big difference earlier on.”
As she embarks on her walk, Rachel will be keeping Daniel front of mind and wants Aussies to remember there is a number of ways you can access support if you’re struggling.
“At the end of the day emotions can be really, really harmful. But it’s just a matter of getting out there and saying you need help and finding the support you need,” she said.
“There’s always hope, even if it’s just a tiny seed, and I just hope people know that the heaviness isn’t going to last forever.”
One Foot Forward is officially open for registrations, calling on Australians to take a stand in solidarity with those experiencing symptoms of mental illness. Walk, run or roll 40km, 60km, 100km or 150km during October, Mental Health Month, to show the 1 in 5 Australians impacted by mental illness that they are not alone and to help raise funds for crucial mental health research and support services at Black Dog Institute. Visit onefootforward.org.au to register or donate.