Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.
This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie explains why the definition of ‘cheating’ is not so cut and dried.
QUESTION: I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years and can imagine us getting married and having a family together. The only issue is that he often likes pictures of other women on Instagram and chats with them. It makes me feel like I’m not enough. I’ve challenged him and he says it’s not cheating and is just a bit of fun. Should I just accept his behaviour as part of our relationship?
ANSWER: Whether or not this is considered ‘cheating’ is beside the point here. Your boyfriend is doing something that makes you uncomfortable and rather than listen to your concerns, he’s dismissing you. You don’t need to accept his behaviour if it doesn’t feel okay for you.
Definitions of ‘cheating’ can vary from person to person
While some ‘cheating’ is really clear, what classifies as betrayal or inappropriate interactions will be slightly different for everyone.
Not all ‘cheating’ involves sex or even physical contact. Some infidelity is emotional. ‘Digital cheating’ or ‘cyber infidelity’ is still considered cheating to many people.
Cheating is really anything that breaks boundaries (both explicit and implied) and trust in your relationship.
Trust is vital for a healthy relationship
Trust in the context of an intimate partnership isn’t just knowing that your partner won’t cross certain lines. Trust in an intimate partnership is trusting that your partner will consider your needs equally with theirs.
Your boyfriend isn’t trustworthy right now.
He’s putting his desire to ‘have fun’ and interact with women he’s attracted to above your need to feel enough, valued and secure in your relationship.
Even if he would never take things further than he is with them, he’s not showing respect for your needs.
Understanding and compromise are vital to healthy relationships
We all bring different insecurities, needs and expectations into a relationship.
There are some people maybe, who might be okay with what your boyfriend is doing on social media. You’re not. And that’s okay.
Don’t let your boyfriend convince you that it’s due to your own insecurities or that your concerns aren’t valid.
In order to have a healthy relationship, we need to be able to compromise and adjust our actions to consider our partner. Your boyfriend doesn’t sound like he’s willing to do that.
In a healthy relationship, there are some things you’ll need to compromise on too. But this shouldn’t be one of those things.
We all have core needs in a relationship that we can’t compromise on. If we do, we end up resentful. It sounds like that, if you were to compromise on this, you would be sacrificing some of your core needs of feeling valued, safe and loved in relationship. Don’t do that.
You deserve to feel valued, safe and loved in your relationship
Again, whether or not what your boyfriend is doing is considered ‘cheating’ is beside the point. Don’t end up in an argument with him about the definition of cheating.
You need to let him know is that his behaviour isn’t okay for you.
Try talking to him again, and without getting angry, let him know that his behaviour doesn’t feel good for you and you’d like it to stop.
If he’s willing to listen to you, understand you and take steps to help you feel more secure in the relationship, there’s hope that the two of you could be happy together.
If he continues to dismiss your concerns, he’ll also do that with other issues that are important to you in future. You’ll find yourself continually putting up with behaviours that don’t feel good for you. This isn’t compromise, it’s sacrifice. Ultimately, it leads to resentment, hurt and disconnection.
You deserve to feel valued, safe and loved in your relationship. While that isn’t all his responsibility, if he isn’t willing to show empathy and take some action to support you in that, it’s never going to be a healthy relationship.
TL; DR: If he isn’t willing to listen to your concerns and change his behaviour, get out as soon as you can.
Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy. If you have a question for Isiah, email relationship.rehab@news.com.au