I’m going to be horrendously honest with you. This time last month if you had of asked me what came to mind when I thought about cruises, I would have told you: grey nomads, horrific buffet meals, sea sickness, tiny cabins, screaming children doing bomb drops in the pool and bumpy seas.
Not for me. No thank you.
But when a free invite to go on Virgin Voyages inaugural trip slid into my inbox, I was forced to rethink this theory. I mean, it involved a trip interstate, a week floating the high seas around Tasmania, an airconditioned room far removed from my current sweat box of an apartment, and a week off from thinking about what to cook for dinner.
So, I will shamefully admit I said yes for all the wrong reasons.
A week before we set sail, the boat was docked in Sydney and I was invited to a party on it hosted by Richard Branson, my DILF crush. You know what that abbreviation stands for you cheeky devils. It can’t just be me who thinks he is the definition of a daddy.
I was still feeling pessimistic about the cruise, but when I turned up to the party held on a part of the boat aptly titled ‘Richard’s Deck’ (hehe), I was pleasantly surprised.
This ship was bougee. There were luxurious lounges, decadent spas overlooking the ocean, a huge pool, a basketball court (yes, you read that correctly) and plenty of darkly lit bars that were very sexy.
More importantly, Richard highlighted the fact that this was an adults only cruise. JACKPOT! OK, now I was excited to set sail.
A week later, I practically jumped out of the transfer bus. Although, to my horror I realised my bag was vibrating. Puzzled, I said to a new friend I made on the bus, “Why the heck is my suitcase vibrating??” Only to remember a little too late that I’d packed a device that does indeed vibrate. Oh God. Great start Jana, the only travel companion you’ve met so far now knows your saucy secret. Cringe.
That bump in the road aside, once I hopped onto the ship, I was chuffed to discover my room was quite fancy, with plenty of airconditioning and my own veranda with a hammock – which friends kept telling me looked like a sex swing when I posted it on Instagram. Note to self: get new friends.
I won’t bore you with all the details but once the cruise got underway – taking off from a port in Melbourne to do a hot lap around Tasmania – I was very pleasantly surprised.
There were groups of gay men lounging by the pool, a hens party squealing with delight while pouring champagne, a group of middle aged women taking up space in the sauna, and plenty of couples reigniting the spark in one of the many fancy restaurants on board.
Yes, there were of course still plenty of retirees, but they were just one of many demographics that made up my travel companions.
I think the most important detail to note is that the cruise comes with an app that allows you to simply shake your phone and a bottle of Champagne arrives at wherever you are situated on the boat. Genius!
It wasn’t till later that night that I discovered that one very saucy rumour about cruising is indeed true. In fact, I couldn’t escape it.
Sitting at dinner, one of my companions said: “Did you notice the pineapple stickers on a few of the apartment doors?” “No,” I replied, and before I could ask why, everyone started laughing.
Turns out, the pineapple is a calling card for swingers. So, by placing a pineapple on your door you are saying to other passengers on the boat, “hey, we’re swingers and if you are too, why not come on in.”
I mean … bold!
I had a giggle and made a mental note to look out for them. A little later that night, I went to a 1980s disco held in the boat nightclub with a couple of new friends. Midway through Cindy Lauper’s Girls Just Want To Have Fun, a guy walked past and placed a pineapple sticker on my friend’s shirt. Yep. Not only are people putting these stickers on doors, but some bold swingers will even hand pick their targets. My friend laughed and said, “thank you, I’m flattered but no thanks.”
The next day, I was walking back from a late lunch and hopped into the lift to go up to my room. The elevator doors opened, and two very jolly couples were having a giggle. One of them was clutching a Champagne bucket and they all looked like they had enjoyed a boozy brunch. They asked what number floor to press and I answered 12, before one of them then chimed in with “are you sure, we’re on level 10 and you are more than welcome to join us.”
Now, if the couples had of looked like Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds, then yeah, I may have been tempted. But they did not, dear reader. They did not.
They were closer to my parents’ age, and the beer bellies and waft of day drinking weren’t exactly alluring.
I laughed and thanked them for the offer before politely turning them down.
So, yes, it’s safe to say the swinging scene is indeed live and kicking on cruises. Who knew! Thankfully, it’s not the only thing going on and it’s easy to ignore if that’s not your scene, but I low-key loved the saucy sexual undercurrent of the whole thing.
So would I go on a cruise again? Most definitely. Especially a child-free one.
The rooms, gourmet food, day trips, bars and on-board theatrical shows should be adored by us all, not just the retirees. I’m already eyeing off their European destinations. Just minus the pineapples …
Jana Hocking is a columnist and collector of kind-of-boyfriends | @jana_hocking
Jana Hocking was a guest of Virgin Voyages.