Fitness influencer Laura Henshaw has revealed the “loaded” question she gets asked far more than her husband does.
Laura, 31, married her partner Dalton, 30, in 2021. He famously took her last name and, while their relationship is modern and equal, one repeated question reminds Laura that the world isn’t.
“Do you want kids?”
We’ve all heard that question asked before, usually directed at any woman over 25 with a pulse.
Those four words always leave Laura momentarily stunned.
She doesn’t know the answer yet, to the point she’s launched a podcast about it accurately titled Do I Want Kids?
“Whether you do or don’t want kids, this question is incredibly loaded. It’s such a personal and complex decision. Our stories are unique, and you never know what someone is going through,” she told news.com.au.
Before you ask that kid question, it is, of course, impossible to know if someone is dealing with infertility, recent pregnancy loss or, for whatever reason, it is a tricky subject for the person.
Laura’s also been struck by the fact that, while it’s a question she gets asked frequently, it’s not one her husband has to field often.
“While he does get asked the question, it is absolutely nowhere near the number of times I am asked exactly the same thing,” she said.
It isn’t just family and friends who inquire about Laura’s interest in becoming a mum, it’s everyone.
Finding a response that answers the person’s question without pouring out your heart and oversharing is also a difficult balance.
Perhaps it would be comforting if she knew this is just what people get asked after they get married or have been partnered up for a while, even if it is insensitive.
However, she finds it “frustrating” that it is still one mostly directed at women and often followed by judgement.
If her husband Dalton does get asked, it is usually by someone who feels close enough to ask the question.
“I have been asked for years, and frequently. Whereas Dalton is asked very rarely, and hardly ever by strangers or acquaintances like I am,” she said.
Laura’s also frustrated by how her answer isn’t taken seriously. If she admits she’s unsure, suddenly people tell her she doesn’t know what she’s talking about.
“The question is loaded, but the responses can be disheartening. I spoke with over 1000 women and those who have shared their feelings about not knowing if they want kids with friends and family have been met with ‘it’s just a phase/you’ll change your mind’, which is just ridiculous,” she said.
“These comments can make it feel like there’s something ‘wrong’ with us if we don’t innately want to have children. There’s so much shame in not knowing when there shouldn’t be any at all.”
Laura finds it “frustrating” that her husband isn’t asked as much, but said that becoming a mum can impact women’s lives more than men becoming dads.
“As women, it’s our lives, our careers and our bodies that are impacted the most by having children. So whether or not we want to have children, it should be our choice, and we’re privileged to live in a country where we have agency over our bodies,” she explained.
For now, Laura still doesn’t know the answer to the kids question, but she and her husband are figuring it out together.
“One of the biggest learnings for both Dalton and I is that it’s so important to individually explore what we want before we then come together as a couple to talk about it,” she said.