A whingeing British tourist who went on a three-week holiday to Australia has slammed the nation because everyone is “beach-body ready” – making him look bad.
Jack Kessler wrote in the London Evening Standard that he was at first enjoying his trip Down Under, soaking up the sun in Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs.
He wrote of his joy at visiting a place “where the default condiment is aioli, the automatic reply is “yeah, no” and the C-word a term of endearment, or at most mild admonishment”.
But then things took a turn for the worse.
Kessler said “trivial inconveniences” begun to spring up, such as not being able to get a coffee after 3.30pm.
He also took a swipe at thongs – saying they should be called by the British term, “flip-flops”, and that they had started to give him blisters.
He then took aim at western Sydney, saying that as he enjoyed the “bourgeois eastern shores, with its harbour views and sea breeze”, he could only “pity those living in the stifling western suburbs”.
Perhaps most bizarre of all his issues with Australia, the writer was concerned that it did not have nuclear weapons.
But Kessler’s biggest gripe emerged on a visit to the beach.
“Everyone is beach body-ready, so as a solid seven in London I was demoted to a five, five-and-a-half on a good hair day (which never happened, thanks to my sun hat).
“I took my shirt off at the pool and yearned to assure the locals that, actually, I’m in reasonable shape for London.”
His three weeks in Australia left him feeling that perhaps the country was actually “too nice to live in” and that Sydney was “too small”.
It’s safe to say most commenters didn’t agree with him, with one remarking that he was “not a seven in any continent or time zone”.
Another wrote: “Pasty Englishman stays in Sydney’s most expensive beachside suburbs and develops insecurity complex, possibly brought on by a lack of coffee after 3pm, and fear of a one-sided nuclear war.”
“The nice clean fresh air and ocean views and sandy beaches were not a match for the gloominess or the thick air of London underground,” a third added.