Last week Crystal Hefner said something we’ve all long expected.
Hugh Hefner was a “dud root”.
I know. Hold me up Jesus because I think I might faint.
I mean to be fair, the then 86-year-old Playboy founder’s frail old body, (I’m assuming) bad hips and old ticker probably weren’t up for a marathon love making session with his then 26-year-old-wife.
But surely, he could have thrown her a compliment or two and given her a nice back rub afterwards.
Nope.
Turns out the old codger was the definition of “snore” in the bedroom. With Crystal stating in her interview with Andrew Bucklow for news.com.au: “He never really cared to learn what women like or what women want or how to please a woman at all. He’s definitely a dud root,” she laughed.
Now as a woman I’ve never related more to a statement. Just last week my girlfriends and I were lamenting the current state of play in our bedrooms right now. And it is grim my friends.
Grim.
One girlfriend was telling me about her latest rendezvous, complaining that he limbered up, threw in a few grunts and was done before you could say “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” (Mary Poppins anyone?)
I mean, the last guy I was dating thought foreplay was a golfing term.
And I blame Hugh. And Playboy. And porn.
Why? Because it is becoming incredibly obvious that men are watching far too much male-targeted porn and thinking we women come with a blow-up device and an on/off switch.
A recent study found that thanks to its ever-increasing easy access (thank you internet), porn rates are soaring with many becoming addicted to it.
It also reported that this addiction has led to men being unable to reach orgasm, finishing too soon, failing to maintain an erection, and even leading to issues connecting on an emotional level with their partner.
Now don’t get me wrong. We all like a sneak peek on those sites from time to time, but when it starts getting in the way of your real-life sexcapades, and women are starting to openly discuss its noticeable side effects with their friends, then Houston, we have a problem.
In the name of “research” I decided to do some investigating. I went to a very popular porn site and viewed the videos under the “most popular” section. Wow.
These videos showed various forms of degradation. With scenes too rude to describe here, but it’s safe to say women’s sexual needs were not front and centre. In fact, I had to scroll far, far down to find any video that resembled female pleasure.
Side note: for the love of God lady porn stars, can you please work on your moans.
You’re tricking men into thinking they’re gods just because they got their kit off. And that’s not how an orgasm works.
You know what, I aim some of the blame at you too.
Now let me state for the record that it’s not all men. I’ve been very impressed with past boyfriends. There was one in particular that had a tongue Shakespeare could have written sonnets about. But sheesh there are some duds out there.
The “jackhammers”, the “grunters”, the one-thrust-and-I’m-done players. For some reason they’ve got it into their noggins that we are here for their pleasure.
But here’s a novel concept: give a girl an orgasm and she’ll thank you in all sorts of cheeky ways. So let me do god’s work and share some simple ways to avoid being a “dud root”.
Slow down
Slow and steady wins the race. You want to be the tortoise not the randy rabbit in this scenario. It’s why rock gods like Sting embrace the seven-hour tantric sex sessions. OK, you don’t have to go that far. But wouldn’t it be nice to spend some quality time on something that feels pleasurable rather than gobble it all up like a packet of Tim Tams.
Chit chat
Get naughty and share with each other your kinks, fantasies and what really turns you on. Also be open about what you didn’t like. E.g. “I didn’t like feeling like a jack hammer but I loved when you ….”
Always follow a negative with a positive. Egos can be a little fragile in the bedroom.
Mix it up
The same one position can get boring. Why not limber up and throw in a few moves your yoga instructor would be proud of. Horizontal, vertical, inside the bedroom, outside the bedroom. With a pillow under your bot bot. Heck, why not throw in a few toys. They’re designed for pleasure after all. Variety is the spice of life.
Recognise that women’s orgasms start in her mind
Lubricate our minds and you will lubricate our loins (I should copyright that).
There’s no greater turn on then getting a saucy text from your fella in the middle of the day telling you exactly what he plans on doing to you when you get home. Good lord I get flustered just thinking about it.
So fellas don’t be a Hef. The Hefs of this world get spoken about at brunches far and wide. Be more like a John Mayer and treat our bodies like a wonderland. Our libidos and your stamina will thank you for it!
Jana Hocking is a columnist and collector of kind-of-boyfriends |@jana_hocking